How to Survive Unemployment

New figures came out last week that put unemployment at its highest level since Mike and the Mechanics were topping the Billboard charts. As the labor market deteriorates and thousands more find themselves out of work, you may ask yourself: “How can I protect myself from those insufferable articles that preach the “6-steps to surviving unemployment.”

Step One  Get out of your normal routine. Not having to go to work is a perk of being unemployed. Remember what getting up at 6:00AM feels like? Keep thinking about all those days you had to get up early; the alarm blaring and you’ll be sleeping until 11:00AM in no time.

Step Two Isolate yourself.  Do not talk to your family and friends about unemployment. Their constant nagging will not help. Stay inside and watch TV, then when it gets dark go out drinking.

Step Three Adjust your budget. There’s no way to know how long unemployment will last so just spend all your extra money right away. That will serve to provide the incentive you need to dream up ways to borrow from family and friends. Now you can get that new X-Box you’ve been wanting.

Step Four Look for free and inexpensive entertainment options. For guys, go to the nudie bar with your buddies and ask them for a few dollar bills. I’m sure they will be glad to oblige. For gals, simply wear a little too much makeup and head for your favorite bar.  Every night is ladies night when you’re the biggest flirt.  Get guys (or other girls) to buy you drinks.

Step Five List your contacts. These are the people who stabbed you in the back at work. Now you have a LOT of time to get them back. List strategies for revenge including: keying their cars, spreading false rumors, and hitting on their girlfriends/boyfriends/spouses.

Step Six  Self Hate.  This is the most important step. Now you can take all day to think about what you did wrong.  Beat yourself up good.